Friday, December 18, 2009

The sweet nectar of freedom

I’m so used to having a lot of ppl around me. So going thru my life ‘alone’ – 8 hrs a day alone in my bed, having a trying time convincing myself that I am complete, thinking about girls, girls and girls, waiting in anticipation to find out if I’m going to get lucky tomorrow..err I mean if tomorrow is going to be any better, I’d say I loved having something in my life..yeah I call them something.

Talk about ‘complete’.., am I any less than those guys who have their significant other by their side..? I don’t know!, but you figure this out – I don’t have to think of the ‘right’ place to eat, the right thing/color to wear, the right time to go home, the right place to fact I don’t have to be right at all, or even proper - not to anybody..(I know..i sound like a sore loser) but the real truth is, I’m just plain bad at being ‘complete’. I dont remember birthdays, I don’t care about Feb 14, and I hate those rules and conditions. I really don’t understand about rules and conditions and I don’t want to understand them. They are just some of the irritating things expected of you, when somebody think you belong to them, yes it is annoying. So for 2006 and years and years to come, I don’t want to belong to anybody and I don’t want anybody to think that I belong to them…and yes I don’t want anybody to belong to me either. I hate the prospects, really. I belong to me, now and forever (hey..isn’t there a ‘leleh’ song about now and forever.?)

Actually I don’t have a choice, this is the only way for me to go now. I have this amazing ability to destroy the things I love and I don’t want to do that anymore…no mas, enough is really enough. I’v lost too many..

But I’m still a hunter tho’, with only one arrow left, I don’t want to shoot that last arrow with careless aim , so for now I’m quite happy being the way I am, a ‘vegetarian’…. (dasar lazy hunter.. LOL!). So much for 2006 resolution.

I will leave love alone, and those anniversaries cakes, and the lover’s quarrel, the making up…arggh!!

Some may say I chose the easy way out…but let them lah. It is just a choice, life is a choice, I could stick it in, be a monster and bleed to death or I can leave, be myself and live my own life. And I chose - live my own life. I don’t want ppl to tell me what I can do and what I cannot do, simply becos I know what I want to do and where I want to be..

Like I said, I’m of different grains, and sometimes (most of the times I think..), I just could not fit in. I’v been there and I knowI’m so done now.

Cya…and remember the world in here is according to me.

I'd rather have a toothache..

I have an assload of stuff to deal with. I mean really deal with, not just the usual "hmm this sucks" and trudge right through it kinda bullshit, dang!! Nvm, they can wait – for now at least. But have you ever gone deep to think whether what we are having right now is life..or are we on wasted time..? How about the people we surround ourselves with or the people we push away.. I’m talking about the people we are/were very close with.

Somebody asked me, what do we do when our closest fren betray us..? Er..I don’t know, did Brutus betray Ceaser..? He did conspire to have Ceaser killed but ‘’s not that I love Ceaser less, I love Rome more..’, he said. Arrgh! It’s half full, half empty glass.

If it were up to me..I will never conspire to kill Ceaser for Rome. Never.

The people we push away..? Did we betray them..? I think I did but I don’t have Rome for justification..oops!.hang on, I’l be back – like I said I have an assload of stuff to deal with.

Maybe I should pay more attention to Man U, and not this @#$ (toot!)



Ever heard of the idea that your partner is supposed to make you feel good and validated..? Thats how some people translate intimacy. Is that wishful thinking? Or is that how it should be..? The cultural template says, ..yes, your partner is going to make you feel good and validated.. but hey, we are all partners here, I know its going to be a stretch.. for me at least. It is OK if we dont really care about self respect and all, but me..? I cant be accommodating and validating all the time, Ill have accommodating fatigue. there such a thing..? accomodating fatigue..?

Problem is, we are not supposed to or allowed to have this fatigue. So what do you do when you have one? Shoot some King Kong..?

Hmm.. talk about King Kong, how come King Kong always die in the end..? why cant they make a better King Kong movie with a happy ending? Im sure the kids would love it. Some expert opinion argues that (..hihihi, dont ask! ) if King Kong movie were to be made in Bollywood, the King of Kong would have lived happily ever after.

Maybe I should go into the movie biz and re-create the whole King Kong movie. With a scale down budget, I think a 3 ft monkey perching on top of KLCC would do the trick. Nowthe lighter stuff (yeah, King Kong was heavy..). You read the news.? Hong Kong gangster movie won best film award, suicide bomber film best film award, love stories about gays - best film award, King Kong shot dead. I think Im missing something here, and it has nothing to do with King Kong. Im sure there are some positive moral and political issues in those film there really such a thing..? but who is cooking what..? Wanna be famous..? Anyone..? Careful there, it will bite us back someday.

Not the awards lah..

Tak pelat langsung....

The first time I heard abt Jonker’s Walk – hati langsung tak tergoda. I hv been to better places…and I thot Jonker’s Walk was just another Chinatown, mcm blue film, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen all.

But somehow I ‘tersampai’ jugak kat Jonker’s Walk – ada kawan dari KL ajak. First impression: Jonker’s Walk mmg nampak sama mcm other Chinatown ( err..actually I tau Petaling Street je..). but the people/traders are more friendly and I actually had fun. I said to myself ‘ biasa la..mana-mana pun tempat baru mmg la seronok.’

Last week I pergi lagi, this time ada kawan kat Melaka ni ajak. Dengan berat hati (betul..mmg berat hati) I pergi…kan baru je pergi a few mnths ago, tak kan la they can have something so diff now yg boleh buat I go wow!. But I was wrong…

Dulu ada line dancing, and ppl were dancing on the street. This time pulak ada live band, open air lagi – sumer mat salleh, real mat salleh and they call themselves Johnny Coma and the Boneshakers. Ada yg from UK, US and ntah dari mana lagi…6 of them plus 1 Malaysian. Mana datang dorang ni sumer? They claim to be the one and only blues band from Malacca – Yup! Dorang dah jadikan Melaka dorang nyer base. Live band ni biasa la kan, mana-mana pun ada live band, regardless of where they are from. Tapi dorang ni mmg bagus, but I bukan nak citer pasal band ni…tapi the ppl yg tengok band ni. Kat Jonker’s Walk ni, kan ramai tourist - muka Jepun ada, muka China/Taiwan/Hong Kong ada, muka Portugis dah tentu2 la ada, muka mat salleh pun boleh tahan ramai. I represent muka Melayu..hihi. Macam-macam muka ada…and u know what..? Everybody was dancing on the street, AGAIN?? Lelaki, pompuan, tua and muda…bukan setakat nari (swaying) on the spot. Tapi nari yg partner2 tu. Mungkin tempat tu ada virus ‘sawan nari’ kot, dulu nari skrang pun nari lagi.. And we were all strangers to one another…maka al-hatta, sekonyong konyong nyer, terberkenalan la I dgn minah ni, muka ala2 Kris Dayanti …( haha! tak pelat langsung, nak ala Kris Dayanti jer..), and she’s from Jkt. (hey..isn’t that where they all say they are from..?), dia yang tegur I dulu k, I senyum2 je, host la katakan.. I ni walaupun kulit gelap-gelap diamond, tapi muka tu masih nusantara lagi..ekeke). Ali Rostam kena bayar elaun kat I for all these… Best bangat masa tu…( kan dah terbercakap bahasa Indon..).

Tapi tu la..Jonker’s Walk is still a surprise even after the 2nd visit. Maybe I was just lucky kot. But mende2 camni mmg I tak penah jumpa kat Petaling Street…lalala.

Dulu As yang ajak pergi..(remember As..?), this time, masa kitorng pergi, dia kat KL, so utk tidak menghampakan dia..I called her, live from Jonker’s that nite..- menghempap-hempap diri dia kat KL, geram!. YES!! I berjaya menghampakan dia! LOL!

Next time I akan cuba hampakan Leen plak, tak pun Farm ke..or Anis ke…(emote embus2 asap cum bersiul). Yan, I mmg tak kan hampakan dia…

Weekend ni Jonker’s lagi..?? No lah..what can they possibly have this time around.

Dah la…gotta go, ada hal sket. Wei..minah Indon tu dah balik Jkt la..

Bee, nak snuggle2 lagi tak..?

He's gone..


I will never ever walk with him again. He is gone now, so young and so innocence. But it was only from my sight, I’m sure. That is all. And there are others who are gladly watching him coming, somewhere…

Just like a passing ship…some says.

To Nor Azrul bin Abu Bakar, … Goodbye. You have a nice dream. Love.

To my sister, Ani : ….Your son, he’ll bring you heaven.

My prayers..Al-Fatihah.

9pm, eve of Awal Muharram, 30th Jan 2006. Outside a mosque, after Isyak in Semerah, Batu Pahat.

New Love...

Hey, I’ve added a new passion into my life now..something I used to hate before (this new passion..). It’s very much like what they say..’tak kenal maka tak cinta’. And now I dah cinta. Btw Nikki (of Msian Idol 1), she looks a bit chubby now eh?…BUT she’s Nikki, she can be anything..I’l love her all the same.

Back to this new love…new passion - I’m having great times here...

2 things – either life is getting so bored that anything new is so much welcome OR the whole game environment itself is just great…I would like to think the later as my reason into this ‘expedition’. Last nite was my 5th time..and I’m already looking forward to the next one. To tell you the truth, it is not so much of the game, but more so because of the thrills. The thrills of being competitive, of outdoing yourself, of pretty girls, of show offs, the thrills of watching people watching you watching them and of course the thrills of doing all those in front of an audience..(LOL! I’m a Libra kan)..,those to me is bowling. Besides, this is the best way to get them girls to join you without having to pick up any lines from ‘A Million and One Rules to Win a Lady’. Never mind the score, I’m not counting, what can u expect from a 5th timer anyway. And u know, girls, they always love it when they get to beat a guy… see what I mean? lose a game, win a heart…lalala!. Another 5 games and I’l call my x for a shot..see where she stand. LOL! Whatever it is, I’l let her win in the end. My game plan is to match her on the first five ‘throws’, if she’s behind on pts, I’l just screw up on the next 5…

Catch u later Angels…

Pie, the phone sex thing…between me and Alicia Keys?, was all hoax. She made it up.

Cher, bila nak datang Melaka. Sekarang Mlk dah ada Taj Mahal sendiri tau…nothing to do with luv tho’. Mata designer tempat ni pun masih celik lagi, belum di butakan…haha.

Farm, I tak pergi carik honeybee lagi..but I hv asked around. Soon k.

Weekend ni, a fren from KL nak bawak 2 (ehem! ehem!) kawan dtg Melaka..nak ‘hi and pening’ (happening) kat sini, dua hari plak tu, hmm. As pun nak dtg Melaka, Nida pulak takde program kat Khidmat Negara, tadi dia dah call, tanya pasal program weekend. Pastu ada aerobic, bowling with the regulars, anak cousin pun ada kat umah I, dia baru abis SPM, nak I bawak dia jalan gak…tu belum campur nak kena basuh baju dan yg sewaktu dgn nyer, Man U lagi. Mcm mana nak buat ni..? As ngan Nida tak ngam plak tu…awek dua orang lagi tu nak letak kat mana..? Fenin, fenin…

For information :

Both As and Nida aka Pot – bukan girlfren I, kawan je.

Gegaran cinta...

Im always at sea every time Feb. 14 shows up. Shud I get into the boat like everyone else or shudnt i...? surely I cant pretend that this is just another day for I have seen and tasted the brutality of Feb. 14, Its a race, everyone is rushing to get something or somewhere.. If you are in love or if you love someone, this is the day that must count. Youll have to put the other 364 days in a bin if you dont stand up and make this day a day to remember. What else can you do, if your love one, like everyone else on this planet, expect somekind of a surprise from you? And considering all the expectation and the exploitation of Feb. 14, can there really be a surprise on this day? Oh..I can think of 1, staying at home is a suprise. What else..? Dont get me totally wrong, I do appreciate my love in large doses. But I dont do Simon says on Feb. 14, no not because of the brutality - pasar Ramadhan is more brutal and I'm already looking forward to the next one.. but I just dont fancy the fancy stuff of Feb.14. My idea of Valentines celebration, is a nite by the beach, on a deserted island, somewhere, preferably in the middle of an ocean where the element of surprise is to my whim, ONLY me! - and not by someone who flash their lights on her body while asking me for my ID.

Angels, Happy Valentine's day.

To 'cinta gegarkan hatiku..' - the time will come.

What flirting culture..???

This is what they say....

In Holland, touching a stranger, even just a friendly hand on the shoulder is a big no-no, as is approaching or complimenting a stranger in the street. – I can never be a Netherlander.

In Britain, flirting tends to be alcohol-fuelled to cover up fears of intimacy and rejection. And they call themselves gentlemen? (btw I still don't understand how British women can translate 'silly cow' as a term of endearment).

Frenchmen are less sexually obvious. It's perfectly acceptable in France for men to walk up to a stranger in the street and ask them for coffee even at the risk of being knocked back. – Owh..I love Paris.

In Sweden, visitors maybe deceived into thinking that flirting does not exist since two strangers rarely exchanges glances, a wink or a telling smile. Come weekend, the Swedes let loose but nothing sophisticated as it's not unusual for an inebriated Swede to immediately ask a woman if she wants to have sex. – Hey, that is no piece of work. I could teach them a lesson or two.

In Italy, Italian get intimate, men and women embrace with ease at each meeting –but their courtship is long and traditional. – the very reason why mafia is big in Italy,LOL!

I still think Malaysian men/women are still the best…we are sexually obvious but we don't just touch any stranger, we have reservations but we don't fear intimacy and unlike the Swedes, we work for sex. We do get intimate and traditional but it's non-too-exhaustive, not like the Italians. Fact is, Malaysians have no problem in engaging, enticing and attracting but keeping is. That aside, you give me Nikki or Marion of 8TV anyday and I'll say goodbye to Alicia Keys for good. That much I love Malaysians.

Sweet surrender...

We have heard it all before, a billion times perhaps.. – that the first cut is always the deepest. I don't know but to me, a cut is still a cut, always. Sometimes when we love someone so much, we surrender to the other, the ability to hurt us.. .and that's what we always get in a relationship, if not sooner, later. Never mind if it is just superficial and passing…but it hurts. Anyway…….

Did you see how powerful V-day was.? All the ahh and the ooh over each other on Feb.14th stop on the 15th. Wow!! Cool!

Mine was fun too, it was business as usual during the day, but in the evening, a pretty girl at the Baycity View Hotel in Melaka actually asked me…with a smile, ..'sorang je ke?'. Before I could ask her for dinner ('s V-day traditions kan?), she passed me the menu. Dang, I should have known.

Politics, lies and honesty..

Is there really a big difference between telling a lie and not being honest..? If, and it's a big if, there is no difference, why do we still have to put up with certain ministers in the new cabinet. So much hoo! & so much huh? over AP and those stuructural damages to some of our bridges, backed by some hopeless truth and ambiguous honesty but an eye blink later, the wonder of Malaysian tolerance was put on display as people start to forget and sing a diff lullaby, congratulating Pak Lah over the new reshuffle which includes among other nominees, both the AP minister and the cracked-bridge minister. And Rafidah is whistling again…What is going on Pak Lah? Wasn't it just a few weeks ago that people have been calling for their accountability and resignation?

But then again, by comparison, Bush murdered 100.000 innocent Iraqis, and he is still the president of USA, and policing the world!! so what are some structural damages to our bridges, right? and to a lesser extend all those issues over AP. Cheney shot one of his admin staff and he is still in the office. Just point your finger at Bush and you will get away with almost anything and we being Malaysian, we always benchmark against the best..right?

Maybe a bridge has to collapse with a death toll of over 100 people or Proton has to fold-up after losing out to ever increasing AP holders (they already lost grounds..), before we can see some real affirmative action.., yeah maybe. And what's the deal with selling Augusta for 1 euro..? I could have easily outbid the 1 euro for 2 euro, and become the next CEO of Augusta (even for a week) before selling them and making some millions euro. It would have been a win win situation - Proton would have made 1 euro more, which would be good for their book, mind you.. that's a 100% more than what they get for their Augusta deal k, a big 100% more, and I, this is the best part, would have a new biz card that reads : Zulkifli Zain, CEO of Augusta. Cool eh..?! You try converting those some millions euro into ringgit…and see what they can do to some of those people who are homeless, or to some others who needed a few ringgit more for their medications or to…it's a long list but Proton never thought of all those.

DISCLAIMER : I have nothing personal against Pak Lah, Sam, Rafidah and the new Execs at Proton, really nothing personal. But if they can do all those and still remain in the office, something is wrong somewhere. I can do a better job. Period.

Release date: 04 May, 1999

Man vs Furious Nature..

The ground suddenly shook, then a part of the mountain collapsed, carrying wall of mud, onto the village, 'it sounded like the mountain exploded' said a survivor. 1,500 people are feared dead, maybe a lot more. Try imagining you were there, at home, watching TV with your family and suddenly..I wonder what was on their mind during that final seconds of their life. My prayers to all those who perished.

The rules with mother earth is simple, what we give is what we get. So what have we done to this earth..? A mountain collapsed!!? A billion years old mountain disintegrated just like that..?? never mind the non stop 2 weeks of rain, the mountain has withstood billion of years of rain, so 2 weeks was nothing. An administrator in the Eastern Philippines said, they want to get a clearer picture. A mountain just collapsed, thousands died.. what clearer picture??

Next time, it could very well be the ground on which we stand. Apparently, there is no limit to what we can do in destroying this earth, vice-versa. Give it some thot, if we don't treat the earth well, don't expect the earth will hold ground.

Dissecting Anwar..

Say the name 'Anwar Ibrahim' and certain images just pop up, depending on who you are. To some 'Anwar' is a gay, others a victim. But to me, Anwar was a heavily dramatized sad story.

I always wanted him to be the next Prime Minister because he has what it takes to lead this country. And more so because he was groomed by one of the best in the biz, if not, the best Dr. Mahathir Mohamad. So what went wrong..? Was he really a gay? Did he really have sexual encounters with Sukma and Ali Munawar? With all due respect, Ali Munawar..? No matter what some people may say, I never think so. The argument that Mahathir wanted only the best for Malaysia was true and for many years he saw that in Anwar. But that came to a dramatic end as Mahathir did an about turn - abandoned his posture on Anwar and rudely exposed that Anwar will never be the Prime Minister of Malaysia. The man he trained, taught, skilled and educate was suddenly not fit to be the PM. What really went wrong?

So many questions still left unanswered, even today - some 7, 8 years after.? Was it political? Was Anwar really impatient? A hurried man..? I don't think so as he was just a few months away from becoming the next prime minister. Was he a threat to Mahathir after his retirement, as some claimed. Never. I am sure, whatever mistakes, if there were any, by Dr. Mahathir, would be forgiven. Anwar would never have taken Dr.M to any unwanted task.

Let's dissect the situation a little bit, from a bigger perspective. Who benefits most from this (Mahathir-Anwar) saga. Definitely not Anwar. And Mahathir? being the man he is, would never have got himself drawn into something as stupid as this. He doesn't need this. So what was the real deal then..?

Think again.! (let's play the 'what if' game...)

Against the backdrop of Western apprehension and uneasiness towards the Muslim, Mahathir has successfully brought this country to a new and unexpected height. Malaysia was doing very well in all areas and was even featured in the Times magazines. We were considered the new tigers of Asia and Mahathir, a Statesman. The third world mostly Muslim countries started to look up to Malaysia. Malaysia was becoming the leader and the benchmark for almost every Muslim nation, a preferred example you can say. They love everything Malaysia.

However, Mahathir, for all he is, was not a threat to the West, for eventho he is a Muslim, he is seen as a liberal Muslim. He can shout all he wants but the West knew he was a no threat. True, he gave his mind to the world but he wasn't into uniting the Muslim world.

Anwar on the other hand is young, religious and ambitious. Someone with the potential and the ability and probably with a mission to unite the Muslim world, given the opportunity - definitely not the kind of profile welcome by the West to lead the Muslim world. Already, Indonesia with the biggest Muslim population in the world, were looking up to him. And if you add those rich Arab oil producing countries to the list, Anwar could grow up to be their biggest nightmare. He was like a burning fire, and like all burning fire you must make sure they remain small and under control. Anwar must not be allowed to grow in stature and the Muslim must never be allowed to unite, at any cost.. And so, that was what happened, and without any blood on their hand. Period. The rest are chicken feed.

This is what creating the future was all about and the future was created that day, withstanding all test of reality. But dont be smoked by their friendly gestures towards Anwar, a small fire is always a friend. We have seen too many....ask the Iraqis.

Just look at the aftermath:-

1. Muslim countries are still divided. - Status quo thus remains.
2. Anwar is now a no story, as he no longer have the platform nor the potential nor the ability to unite the Muslim world, and
3. Mahathir is still the man he was, only retired.
4. The West..? They sleep better at nite.

Very desirable. And another mission accomplished!

This is my space, my world, my thought.